About to lose my dad and I can’t be there to say goodbye.

A few months back, my dad was diagnosed with stage 2 congestive heart failure, and stage 4 lung cancer. He lives over 800 miles ( probably more) from where I live.  I am currently not able to just hop on a plane to go to see him. I have a disabled husband , and also a special needs son. We can’t even take a weekend trip up there, because his doctor won’t give him the green light to travel just yet.

So I can’t go and see him. I don’t want him thinking that I don’t love him because I do. This is killing me, because I can’t even blame anyone for this. I never got to visit my mom before she died either. Though I don’t outwardly say anything about that, I still carry guilt for that. As for my dad, my situation cannot be helped. My sister thought it was a money thing, I assured it’s not. I explained to her why and she said she understands but I hear it in her voice she doesn’t. I won’t go into detail why. I don’t, but I just feel terrible that I can’t and my husband keeps apologizing, and I don’t want him thinking that I blame him. I just wish I could see him and talk to him one more time. Be was given a month to live and now he’s in a hospice house. My sister says he’s declining, he’s not communicating much these past few days and I so want to just say fuck what the doctors say we’re going up there.  But I can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. I’ve decided to just make a video of me and maybe all of us saying our goodbyes. At least he would know we were not staying here because we want to, but because we have to.  So this a written goodbye to him.

So long Dad…. I miss you so much and I wish I could be up there.

You’re ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers, and I will try and carry on your oil painting. I’ll take some classes so I can get as good as you are. When you get to heaven, tell Mom hi and all 4 of my grandparents, and everyone else who has past. I won’t cry for you. I will rejoice knowing you’re free of pain, you’ll get to see your parents and brothers again. Be strong. We all love you and we will miss the HELL out of you.

Goodbye Dad.

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